Dear Mr Marks and Mrs Spencer,
A few years ago you teased the people of Bingley BIG TIME. Rumours were afoot that you were planning to open a store, right here, in Yorkshire’s heartland. Bingley. The town of dreams. Then you ripped our hearts out! It all came to nothing, and instead we got a Home Bargains. True, they do sell ridiculously cheap toiletries and pregnancy tests for 69p, which has been incredibly useful, but still. The thing is M&S, we’ve got a bit of an inferiority complex about our wealthy neighbours Ilkley. They are a bit like an annoying older sister – they get everything first and pretend we don’t exist. They have an M&S and like to flaunt it, like a new outfit – and what do we get? Co-op! Yes! The place of pork pies and scotch eggs (which don’t get me wrong, have their place) and ridiculously over priced chocolate. To rub salt into the wound our other neighbour, Keighley, not only gets better town floral arrangements than us, but they have an M&S too! And I bet no-one ever uses it. But we would! Every man and woman (and child who enjoys your chicken teddies) wants you here! We want Oudinet champagne, clotted cream (NOWHERE in Bingley sells this), delicious ready meals, the world’s best Christmas party food, and my personal favourite – DINE IN FOR A TENNER! Yes that’s right, we totally dig the dine in, and we want it here!
So come on M&S, make us happy, bring us your teeny tiny pots of sushi, your wasabi peas, Emerald Cove wine, your food at 6pm covered in tempting yellow stickers, your orchids that die after three weeks – we won’t even mind that!
Don’t turn your back on the people of Bingley. We want you. We need you. We love you.